You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
