Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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