I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
