Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
