Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
