I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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