I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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