So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Randomize
