I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
