Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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