I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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