I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
