I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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