if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
