Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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