my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
