i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
