so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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