The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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