those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
