dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I see more hoeing in ur future
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