Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
