If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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