Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Randomize
