If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
