apparently the secret to your success is patron
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
