she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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