my phone needs a breathalizer
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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