I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
