I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ladies don't puke and tell
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