I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
