At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
