and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
