Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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