A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
