my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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