my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
