he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
