did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
