dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
