Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
