We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
