This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
