I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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