I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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