Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
