I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
