he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
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