I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
