I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
