i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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