My room smells like vodka and shame
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You made out with two different species that night
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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