Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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