i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
